What What

This blog was a sanctuary for me 3 and 4 years ago. My life style has changed in ways and not changed in others...I got some different websites, some different life experiences, some different opinions about myself and others. Am I going to bring this blog back out of the depths? Maybe. I am paying for a domain name and I put a Wordpress blog on it, and I like it...maybe I can most all of these posts into that one, but that would take the fun out of it. Plus, I have a feeling that the Google-powered blogger.com will be around for a while longer. SO WHAT should I do. I'll figure it out later.

What has been going on in my life? Biggest event as of lately...I'm going out with a great, sweet girl that likes me for me, doesn't let a couple bad decisions of my past judge who I am, and wants to be there for me through any trouble I have. Who could want more? Well ok, theres more..haha. anyway, man I think I really did it this time. And you know what? I want to be there for her too, and I want to know everything about her, and I don't even have to know about her past, I already know I won't judge her for it. I've known her since HighSchool anyway...lol. We've been going out for a month and overall, it was a great month. The first month or 2 or 3 of a relationship are automatically going to be hard, while you figure out where you 2 stand in everything about it all...right? Well we are still here... Hi, Brandy Kraemer :) I love you deeply and I don't care who knows it, I just hope it will always bring back happy memories when I come back and read this someday.

I've been reading a lot of my past posts to this blog and most of them are just me bitching about life in highschool. Yeah it sucked, but I bet everyones life sucked in Highschool. Even you preps who just went to all the "social events" of highschool, and then drank beer and did pot behind everyone elses backs. Yes, You. Hi. I hated highschool. I hated everything about it, every little persecution, every embarrassing moment. And from what I remember of HighSchool, 90% of it was that, and it's the parts you remember that count, because if you don't remember it, it wasn't that important to you right? I guess. Anyway, I hated it passionately, but I'm glad it happened, because I'm happy about who I am and how things are happening in my life, atleast the things I can control. I was stupid back then and didn't know how to control my life and do the things that I wanted to do, but its ok cause I didn't know what I wanted to do. I'm happy with my life as of now :) But for those of you who know me, you know I'm a pretty mellow guy anyway. Atleast, thats what you all know about me. Who really is the real me?

My step-dad says there are really 3 people inside of everyone, that everyone is really 3 people. Let me see if I can get this right.... You are who you let your friends think you are, You are who you let your parents think you are, and you are who you tell yourself who you are. Or something like that. Well anyway, if you think about it, it makes sense. I would hope that I'm not the only person who tries to impress their parents and make them see only the good stuff in you, and at the same time act differently around your friends and make them see who you want them to see, and then you are who you really are that you don't want anyone else to know. It makes sense to a person like me, who kind of spend most of his life following these principles without knowing it. I am starting to find a need in myself to share who I really am inside. My thoughts and feelings. Why? I don't know.

My dad passed away on March 8, 2006. He was only 46 years old, and it was a sudden heart attack in the middle of the night, the coroner said it was about 2AM or so. I really felt alone when I found out, and then I had to tell a lot of people about it for the first time, a lot of family members. I still don't think I could handle it today. There's not a chance in hell. I had to tell his mother, and my sister, and his brother, and his best friends, and I had to tell myself.. but yeah. A friend, Sherri, was really there for me for moral support and guidance. I still can't help but cry at night when I think about it for a while. My grandmother will be 82 in a week, and I don't know how much longer she has left. heh. She was put in the hospital because she had a couple minor strokes, or something like that. I dunno.

I'll elaborate on all of this later, but right now it's almost 3AM and I have to be awake in 4 hours or so. So, adios.